A turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee

One Christmas when I was a kid, my parents gave me a book called Who's On First? by Richard Anobile. It was a compendium of some of Abbott and Costello's most famous routines, transcribed from their films and illustrated with stills from the movies themselves. It's amazing how well some of their very animated shtick transferred to still photos... but the best thing about the routines was the rhythm of the writing and the interplay between the two characters: the tall, thinks-he's-tough-but-not-quite-so-savvy-as-he-thinks Abbott and the short, rotund (I was going to say "fat" but I realize that he probably weighed about as much as I do!) gullible-but-not-quite-as-dumb- as-he-looks Costello. The voices of the characters literally jumped off the page; add in the stills, and, really, you almost didn't need to see the movies.

I'm still not even sure if I ever actually saw the Turkey Sandwich And Cup Of Coffee routine, but it was in the book, and I almost memorized it from the stills and dialogue balloons. It's probably my favorite routine of theirs.

All I know is, ever since age 12 or so, whenever someone utters the phrase "share a turkey sandwich," I think of this sketch and can hear Costello muttering "I don't care for nothin'..."

Abbott and Costello performed this routine originally in the movie Keep 'Em Flying, although I'm sure it was recycled and used on radio, TV, and maybe even other movies. This slightly edited transcript is posted on a website called Clown Ministry:

Blackie (Bud Abbott) and Heathcliff (Lou Costello), having been unsuccessful at entering through the gates of the Cal-Aero, Army Air Corps flight training academy, enter the U.S.O. club and approach the lunch counter with only one quarter between them and take their seats. Gloria (Martha Raye, playing the parts of twin sisters Gloria and Barbara) waits on them from behind the counter.

Blackie (Bud Abbott) : I beg your pardon. Can you tell me where the administration building is?

Gloria (Martha Raye) : Over there inside the gate.

Blackie : Yes? So how do you get in there to get a pass?

Gloria : Well... you can’t get inside the gate without a pass, to get a pass to get inside the gate.

Heathcliff (Lou Costello) : Very interesting and tricky. Come on.

Blackie : Yeah. (Blackie and Heathcliff begin to leave.)

Gloria : Won’t you boys have something to eat?

(The boys turn back and take their seats.)

Heathcliff : Yes ma’am. I would like a--

(Blackie gabs Heathcliff by the lapel and speaks to him in an aside.)

Blackie : Please. Please. What do you mean, "yes ma’am"? We’ve only got a quarter, you know that! Do you understand? What’s wrong with you? What’s happened to you?

Heathcliff : Well, a quarter… we can get something to eat.

Blackie : All right... well, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll order a turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee. See? And I’ll give you half. But if she asks you if you want anything you just say "no, I don’t care for anything."

Heathcliff : Even if she asks me if I care for anything? I say I don’t want nothing.

Blackie : That’s right.

Heathcliff : You mean we’re going to put something over on her?

Blackie : No. No. No. We’re not putting anything over.

Heathcliff : We’re going to sucker her.

Blackie : That’s all we have, is a quarter.

Heathcliff : She’ll think we’re a couple of big shots.

Blackie : That’s'a boy.

Heathcliff : I don’t care for nothing.

Blackie : That’s right.

(The boys turn back and face the counter.)

Blackie : Give me a turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee, please.

Gloria : And what will you have?

Heathcliff : I don’t care for nothing.

Blackie : Oh, go ahead! Have something!

Heathcliff : Give me a turkey sandwich.

(Blackie spins around pulling both himself and Heathcliff off their stools and they speak in another aside.)

Blackie : What did I just get through telling you?

Heathcliff : I refused once. Didn’t I? That’s enough?

Blackie : I know. But we only got a quarter.

Heathcliff : I mean, but the waitress says to have something. I say I don’t care for nothing. Then you say, go ahead, have--

Blackie : --Never mind that! You can’t order! Never mind what I say!

Heathcliff : No matter how much you coax me?

Blackie : No matter how much I coax you. You just say "I don’t want anything."

Heathcliff : I’ll say I’m filled up that’s all.

Blackie : That’s all. We only got a quarter.

(Heathcliff pulls Blackie closer as if revealing the truth to him.)

Heathcliff : I ain’t. But I’ll say, I will...

Blackie : Well, say that.

Heathcliff : O.K..

Blackie : And I‘ll give you half my sandwich.

Heathcliff : O.K.. I don’t care for nothing.

(And the boys return to their seats at the counter.)

Blackie : That turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee, please.

Gloria : And what will you have?

Heathcliff : I don’t care for nothing.

Blackie : Ohhh, go ahead... have something. Go on, have something. Come on! You're in here to eat. Right?

Heathcliff : Yeah.

Blackie : Go ahead... order something.

Heathcliff : Give me some ham and eggs.

(Blackie grabs Heathcliff by the lapels again and whisks them both off the stools for another aside.)

Blackie : What did I just get through telling you?

Heathcliff : What do you keep coaxing me for?

Blackie : Just a minute. We’ve only got a quarter!

Heathcliff : I know! But don’t keep saying "go ahead take something." I say "I don’t care for nothing." You say "go ahead take--

Blackie : --Never mind! Never mind what I say. Just don’t order anything! How were you going to pay for it?

Heathcliff : I’m filled up. I don’t know from nothing. That’s all.

Blackie : That’s different. No matter how much I coax you, you don’t want anything.

Heathcliff : I’m deaf. I don’t say another word.

Blackie : Now keep quiet. You want a sandwich. You can’t pay for two turkey sandwiches. Now come on.

(The boys begin to retake their seats at the counter.)

Heathcliff : I don’t want nothing.

Blackie : You don’t want anything.

(They turn towards the counter and speak to Gloria.)

Blackie : That turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee, please.

Gloria : And you?

Heathcliff : I don’t care for nothing.

Blackie : Oh, sure you do.

Heathcliff : Stop asking me! I don’t care for nothing. That’s all. I’m not in the mood to eat.

Blackie : You told me you were hungry!

Heathcliff : I know. I told you a lot of things. But I ain’t going to eat.

Blackie : Well, are you hungry?

Heathcliff : I beg your pardon, miss, but I’m not going to eat.

Blackie : You are hungry? Now look. You're in a restaurant. What do people go to a restaurant for?

Heathcliff : Not me. I’m just--

Blackie : --What do people go to a restaurant for?

Heathcliff : Sometimes I wonder...

Blackie : They go there to eat.

Heathcliff : Yeah.

Blackie : Well, that’s what you’re here for.

Heathcliff : That’s a wonderful word, "eat."

Blackie : Well, all right. Order something.

Heathcliff : I’m not hungry.

Blackie : Now listen. You want people to think I’m a cheapskate around here? Go on, order something! Order something small.

Heathcliff : Give me a small steak.

(Blackie slaps Heathcliff in the face, grabs him by the lapels, and off the stools they go again for another aside.)

Blackie : What did I just… What did I just get through telling you?

Heathcliff : What do you keep coaxing me for?

Blackie : Never mind that coaxing! No matter how much I coax you, you don’t want anything! Now sit down there and behave yourself.

(The boys sit down again and speak to Gloria.)

Blackie : Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee.

Gloria : Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee? Yes?

(Heathcliff has both hands over his mouth. And with a questioning glance, Gloria looks his way.)

Blackie : He don’t care for anything.