Seeds of a friend

It's tempting, when you feel yourself connecting to a friend, to want to sustain and maintain that connection by whatever means possible. For me, a computer-savvy writing geek, this means email... and now that I have taken the plunge and gotten a cell phone, it also means text messaging. (Even with a cell phone, I find that I'm not that much of a phone person.)

I want to be in touch with friends, hear from them, let them know I'm thinking of them. So... what I do to let them know I'm thinking of them (and I want them to think of ME) is: I send emails. (I DON'T, however, FWD: FWD: FWD: jokes, links, pictures, etc. Even I have my limits.)

Unfortunately, I have a tendency to get carried away at times. This hit home this morning when I looked at the SENT ITEMS list in my AOL and saw that, yesterday, I sent SIX EMAILS to one of my friends. (And one text, too... so that's seven messages.) Granted, some of those were in response to emails SHE sent ME, so it wasn't a monologue... but they all sprung from the same place: me saying I MISS YOU, I NEED TO CONNECT, WHERE ARE YOU?

My intentions are good, but I've always had the uncomfortable feeling that maybe I write just a little too much...

I know exactly why I sent those six emails, too. This friend has been particularly supportive and insightful as I try to plot out my next step in my life. I want and need her energy in my life. Moving to Vermont and taking the step away from the familiar is exciting and scary. I know I can do it, but the forces of darkness are familiar and frightening. The last thing I want to have happen is to fall back on old ways that don't work. In a lot of ways, the next few weeks and months will be a test, for me, of my belief that I can make my life the way I want it to be, that I don't have to be resigned to circumstance, fearful, living a life ruled by worry.

And since this particular friend is "on the same level as me" (her words) and has been encouraging me in my move north, naturally I want to hear more, want to make contact, want to reach out.

More than "want," though. Like I said: "want and need." I realize this, and I fear that sometimes my emails and messages to friends sound like Bill Murray in What About Bob? when he throws himself around Richard Dreyfuss's psychiatrist character and screams "GIVE me, GIVE me, GIVE me... I NEED, I NEED, I NEED!!!"

Of course, my friend wants to be there for me. It's hard for me to remember that when I'm longing to make or keep contact, but she has a life: her family and house and broken dishwasher and meetings and stresses and concerns and OTHER friends. More than that, she has HER needs that need to be taken care of, HER friends who SHE connects with... people that she wants and needs to hear back from, because their faith in her resonates where she needs it most... the way that hers in me resonates where I need it.

It's that resonation that I'm thinking about lately. I'm coming to realize that sometimes, with this friend and my other close friends, no matter how much I want to cling and chat and write and connect and make contact, maybe the best thing to do is to let it be: to take the seeds of my friends' faith in me and love for me into my heart and let that seed grow. The constant reaching out and TRYING to make contact in hopes of getting something back is really the equivalent of pulling out those seeds.

And if I keep pulling them out, checking on them, toying with them, then how can they grow?

Just a thought that I probably should have written in my journal, but as I've learned, if I'm thinking it and need to remind myself of it, then probably someone else is, too. And so we all move forward...